Consider a regular communication time. Some couples find it helpful to intentionally set aside time to check-in about how you’re both doing emotionally. It can also be a time to reflect on what is going well in your relationship. Attempt to check-in when you’re both relaxed and receptive to communication.

• Try this: How would it go if you started a conversation with “Staying close to you is really important to me……can we set a time each week to check in for half an hour?”

Notice when you are “mind reading”. You may want to check-in when you aren’t sure what your partner is thinking or feeling. The expressions on our faces, the tone of our voice, or our general demeanor are ways of communicating; however, without words we might make more assumptions. Sometimes, our outsides and our insides are not fully lined up.

• Try this: When you catch yourself mind reading, consider saying “It is easy for me to jump to conclusions….” or “Understanding how you feel is important to me and…….”

Notice your emotions when communicating. The beauty of human emotions is that they can show up in communication. Sometimes, before we even identify that we are feeling intense emotions (such as joy, fear, or sadness), it may come out in our interactions with others. Noticing changes in voice and tone, feelings of irritation, fatigue, or a desire to escape are a few ways we might experience emotions before we have the language to express them.

• Try this: Give each other permission to check-in about feelings that are expressed while communicating and offer compassion and explore underlying emotions together.

Pay Attention to your “fight, flight, or freeze” response. When discussing issues that cause stress, our emotions can intensify, and we can go into a temporary “fight, flight, or freeze” mode. In these states, you may lose your ability to listen and receive what the other person is saying.

• Try This: When you notice a “fight, flight, or freeze response,” you may want to consider taking time to cool down and return to the conversation once your emotions are more regulated.

Acknowledge and respect different or changing needs. Each partner’s emotional and practical needs are dynamic, and cancer can heighten the need for flexibility. While it’s not always possible to meet each other’s needs, it is always possible to acknowledge them.

• Try this: Sometimes we jump to wanting to fix or meet a need of someone we love. However, acknowledging your partner’s need can be enough.

Discuss your “privacy settings”. Each person has a different comfort level of what they feel comfortable sharing with others about cancer. Consider discussing individual preferences for privacy knowing that these may change over time. Respecting your partner’s privacy settings takes thought and planning. All or nothing policies can be tricky; consider designating one close person for each of you who can hear it all.

• Try this: You can consider a playful approach to a conversation about what can be shared based on each partner’s privacy preferences. “Always, Sometimes, Never” lists can help organize scenarios and help each person know what cancer-related issues can be shared with others and which are off limits. Some partners might be surprised by what falls on their partner’s lists, and for others it might be very predictable.

Consider curiosity over judgement. During stressful situations, couples can move quickly to judgement. The experience of cancer is new for both of you. You may want to exercise your compassion skills and a willingness to learn new things about yourself and partner. What are you noticing about your partner as they navigate this cancer diagnosis? Rather than judging your significant other for their reactions, get curious and ask questions. It may be helpful to point out new strengths you see, or ways you are learning more about one another.

• Try this: When you feel judgement coming on, imagine you are a detective. Detectives approach with questions and curiosity rather than a predetermined conclusion.

Make space for emotions. Consider if this a “feel it” or a “fix it” moment. Asking if your partner wants you to listen or problem-solve can help them feel heard and supported. Sometimes the only way out of an emotion is allowing the other person to go through it, hard as it may be to witness.

• Try this: You may want to explore your own version of asking “is this a feel it or a fix it moment” the next time you witness your partner experiencing strong emotions.

Maintain rituals of connection. Relationship-based rituals often help remind you of each other’s presence and support. Think of the things that you do (sometimes without even realizing) to maintain your connection to one another. It might be a kiss on your way out the door in the morning. It may be 5 minutes with a cup of coffee or tea in the morning to quietly sit together. Cancer’s demands on your schedule, time, and energy may shift your ability to maintain rituals of connection.

• Try this: Have a conversation with your partner around your unique rituals of connection. Which of these can you maintain, and which require some adaptation?